Amazing Grace
by RubysArms
Summary: I have one week to live...I will not tell my friends. I will not tell the love of my life, not even a stranger on the street. I have one week to live. One week to do something spectacular and make it all worthwhile....
1. Beginning

I have decided to kill myself. It's true. I have thought about it for quite some time now and I am going to do it… finally. I have it all planned out. I know the means of which I am going to perform this cowardly task. I have thought about it thoroughly and to me it seems perilous but necessary.

My suicide will take place one week from today. Today is Friday. Friday was the day I was born so it will also be the day that I die. Why not just do it _this_ Friday (today) you ask? Well that is a great question and I have a legitimate answer but not one that I choose to share because it, frankly, is none of your god damned business.

I give myself a week to live. It was sad at first, the realization of my expiration of life here in this hell. It is not sad anymore though, now it is almost relieving. It feels as though I have been holding my breath for all of these years and finally I can exhale. That is the last thing you do before you die you know… exhale. It has something I have waited for my entire life.

Speaking of my life, I choose to tell you why my life has come to the desperation it has. I will not tell you everything, not because I don't want to but I simply can't. Some of the things that have happened to me my mind has blocked out. I know somewhere deep down that these traumatic scenes have occurred but I cannot manage to sum them up into enough words to depict them properly to you.

When I was a child I was happy. I think I was happy. Most children are happy. Kids are dumb. I lived with my mother at the younger stages of childhood and my mom lived with my dad. The reason I say it this way is because my father has never played a very vital role in my growing up, that is why I wasn't overly traumatized when he passed.

My mother moved us out of the little home I had grown accustomed to and moved us into her car. There we stayed for almost three months. She eventually used her body and charm to get us into a nice gentleman's home. It wasn't until later I realized that she was basically a hooker. At a young age I was naïve enough to trust my mother fully with the decisions she had made about my living conditions. Now I would have known better I think.

I saw him hit her the first time and I wasn't frightened of angry I was just confused. I couldn't comprehend why he would behave that way towards her and I couldn't figure out what she had done to deserve such punishment.

After awhile I had lost interest in the matter and the whole violence thing became of second nature to me. We went from town to town doing the same thing over and over again. No towns really stood out to me because the same thing happened in each one. I would go to school for a month or two or until my mom got tired in said location and then we'd move onto the next town.

By the time I was sixteen I was numbed to the whole charade. We pulled into a small town in Oklahoma City around two in the morning. I thought it was just going to be like any other place I had been to but I found not to be true. I was smoking in the passengers seat with my feet hanging from the window. My mother was driving and applying lipstick. I remember yelling at her to avoid oncoming traffic that she had not been aware of.

We pulled into a dingy motel parking lot and I unloaded my luggage. I didn't have much. Just a vast collection of photos I had taken of my various living conditions over the years. I took pictures of everyone I met but my mother had made me blotch out the faces of everyone. I don't remember why. Maybe it was for security purposes or maybe she was just a bitch… both sound accurate to me.

So I'd sit up for hours and gaze at these blotted out faces, trying my hardest to explore my most distant memories to try to picture what they had looked like. Some I remembered and some I didn't. I remembered almost none of their names.

I had some clothes of course, none that I was significantly proud of… although I did like my ball cap that I had obtained from a friend I had made in Chicago when I was fourteen. I couldn't remember his name.

Oklahoma seemed no different from any other place I had been to thus far but I was wrong. I met a girl. A girl who changed my life. Her name, HER name, I could never forget. Her face would never be blotted out.

She was breathtaking. I met her the very next day when I went with my mother up the gas station to stock up on snacks and liquor, (my mother had informed me that it was going to be a long night, I didn't ask questions, I had learned questions only led to answers, answers that disappointed.)

There I met her. Her nametag said Natalie and she had the smile of an angel. My mother was pumping gas and I was supposed to be grabbing chips but my mind was fixated on this girl. She gaped at me somewhat intoxicatingly and I felt this magnetic pull to her.

I walked up to the counter and held out my hand. I introduced myself and she imitated. She said her name beautifully. I have never heard anyone say 'Natalie' with more fluctuating poise.

The conversation didn't go far for a minute or so but then she boldly asked me if I wanted to come over. I looked out the window of the gas station at my mother who seemed to be arguing with the gas pump and I nodded to the blonde girl and she threw her apron on the floor and we were out the back in seconds.

We ran, hand in hand, to her home, which was vacant given that her parents had been working. We made it to her room where I made love to Natalie. It was beautiful. I remember that day with an overwhelming clarity that I haven't been able to channel since.

The setting sun set her smooth skin ablaze and her eyes appear to be hungry, which they were. I touched her where she needed to be touched and I called her name as she instructed. I was completely submissive to the girl. I would have kissed her lips more if I had known I was never to be allowed to again.

I cannot summon the courage it would take to tell you the reasoning behind my leaving Natalie but I will tell you it was my mother's doing.

I went back to see her, to apologize, to rectify my mother's harsh and manipulative words but it was too late. She was under my mother's spell and she had become another pawn in her cruel conniving game. Her hand was swift across my face and I could see the heartache in her eyes. I tried to explain myself but it was hopeless.

That was when I went off on my own and didn't look back.

I didn't do badly on my own.

I knew how to get the money I needed to survive, my mother had taught me that much. My morals may have been slightly altered living with such a person for such an extended period of time but it worked for me. I would curl my hair in gas station bathrooms and put on high-heeled shoes and stand on street corners until a lonely perverted man would pick me up.

I was good to him and in return he was good to me. I didn't know of any other way to live. My body was all I had to use to get money since I hadn't been in school and I had no real skills to get work.

Being a prostitute was not as glam as I had imagined it to be. It was so much more emotional than I had planned on. I was sixteen. At sixteen you tend to have tunnel vision and I was no exception. I didn't understand anything but my misery, and I let it consume me.

I stopped spending my money on food and I started spending it on dugs. Eventually I stopped getting money at all. I would walk up to a car, get in, get on my knees, and walk out with a few hits of coke. Anything to get me through the night.

I cleaned up a bit to get myself through college. I got a job at a supermarket in Los Angeles and I paid for my tuition. It turns out, the college paid for a lot because I did phenomenal on one of their stupid tests.

Upon graduating I had made a vow to myself that I would no longer use my body to live. I was wrong. A little after I graduated college I got fired form my job… but I met a nice man who said I could be in a movie and he would pay me money for it. I did it. Not unwillingly.

I then met my first husband. I don't remember much from that except that he hit my like all of the men had hit my mother. When he put me in the ER I left him. I eventually met Stanley Walker. HE would never hurt me, he couldn't because I loved him and people who you loved couldn't hurt you… right? Wrong. Stan cheated on me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

I was a timid thing when Stanley Walker sauntered into my life. He wasn't like the other men in my life so far, he was different. He wasn't interested in having sex with me or showing me off to his friends, he just wanted to talk to me. I wasn't used to talking. I usually cut right to the chase to make the whole situation that less personal. Less personal means less remorseful.

I sat at the bar all night waiting for him to say, "Let's go back to my place," or "I know somewhere where we can be alone," but those words never came. Stanley Walker asked me if I needed a place to sleep because he had a pullout bed on his sofa. He not once throughout the whole evening touched me inappropriately or even appeared to want to.

He did touch me, but only once. He put his arm around my waist as we entered his enormous home and I felt safe with it securing my lower back. Anyways, long story short, we got married. I loved him, I really did. I joke a lot now about only marrying him for the money and only seeing him for his wallet, but it couldn't be farther from the truth. Stanley had been the only man in my life that I had truly trusted fully. What a mistake that was.

I began working for Grace Adler in the fall. I know it was fall because I remember her dreadful wardrobe had been appropriate for that particular season. I remember everything about that day. It was odd. The feeling had felt familiar, like I had felt it once before. That burst of lust and excitement and need.

I _had_ felt it once before. It was the same feeling I had felt with Natalie. That feeling of an instantaneous high, which I had tried to obtain so many times since I had first experienced it. Her scent pulsated through my deadened veins and my heart raced rhythmically. When she shook my hand, butterflies went wild in my diaphragm and I got shivers up my spine.

I knew I loved her.

Time passed, I got old.

I met new faces… all were blotted out in my mind. Grace was clear though, the same way Natalie had been and still is to this day.

I hinted my affection for Grace but she never caught on and never expected her to. Even if she ever HAD caught on, I would never ask her to retaliate; or guilt her into being kind about it. So I lived my life day-by-day, pill-by-pill, and drink-by-drink. I got more tired every day and less and less enthusiastic about living. Life had general had become monotonous and my whole stream of consciousness was polluted with disparaging thoughts.

I suppose you could say that Grace and I had become friends. If by friends you mean we hung out outside of work. I could never call Gracie and me friends though, but I think that it was only for the fact that friendship wasn't what I wanted from her. I wanted her love and knowing that I would never obtain that made it all the more enraging.

Jack McFarland came into my life like everyone else had. Jack was a little different though. Here towards the end I find myself caring more about him than the average guy but he is nothing compared to Grace.

In fact, the distant hope of Grace loving me has been the only thing keeping me around so far. But her love isn't for me, and it never will be. I realized this after my typical night of boozing and schmoozing. It was a sad but long awaited realization. But the foreshadowing of this unavoidable truth did not at all numb me to its harsh realty.

So here I am. With one week to live. Thinking about what I should do with the little time I have left. I am thinking sternly (but barely clearly) about what I am to do with my limited time. It makes me realize how much time people waste on this earth. They waste their time worrying, they waste their time crying, they waste their time dwelling on the past, (myself included.) Don't they know that everyone is dying?

Not one person will live eternally so why waste so much time with meaningless bickering and mindless chatter? Why not do something worthwhile that will impact history. I am laughing to myself right now listening to how hypocritical I am being, but, as my mother had always said, Do as I say, not as I do.

I am giving myself one week to live. I am not sure what is to happen over these next seven days. Maybe something extraordinary will happen. Maybe it will be wrenching. Maybe it will be nothing unusual going on or maybe I will die in the process, I'm not sure. All I know is when next Friday rolls around, I won't have to worry about what will happen the following week because for me… that time won't come.


	2. Saturday

**SATURDAY:**

I woke up and got in the shower. It was earlier than I usually wake up. I know this because all of the morning birds were still singing and there was sleep in my eyes. I was stepping out of the shower and wrapping my favorite red towel around my body as I hurried from the steamy room to answer the phone.

It was Grace and she asked me to breakfast. I could never deny an invitation from Grace so I tried to accept it as unenthusiastically as I could manage.

I got dressed myself in the usual. My hair was up the way I liked it and I smeared some makeup on and walked out the door.

Usually I would take the limo but the weather was nice and it wasn't far so I decided to walk. I got into the restaurant and saw Grace sitting alone at a table by the window; thumbing through a menu. I walked over and took my seat.

"Hey Gracie," I said as I sat down on the vacant seat. "Where's Wilma and Jackie?" Grace looked up and smiled at me. "Just us girls Karen… that's okay isn't it?"

Okay? That's GREAT!!

"Yeah honey it's fine."

I look at her. She's in a black tank top and jeans. I love it when she dresses so casually, I don't know why. I saw her in sweatpants once and I almost clenched my heart to control its vibration.

She talks but I am too entranced by her motioning lips to comprehend the words. I'm not even sure if the sound makes it all the way to my ears. My life is on mute because I am looking at her.

She talks about Leo.

I can see his name form from her lips.

Sound floods back to me rapidly and the world swirls back into formation around her figure. I say, "hmm?" and she gives me an aggravated look… she should be used to me zoning out by now.

Maybe I should see a psychiatrist. At least that's what they'd tell me if I told them all of my intentions. But honestly… how can the psychiatrist help me? What is he going to do? Prescribe me another medication? Trust me honey, they help for awhile but when they wear off you're slapped in the face with the cruel reality that drove you to take them in the first place.

He'll talk to me? About what? What could a stranger, who doesn't know a thing about me, possibly say to make me change my mind? Maybe I'll go just for kicks… eh probably not, since that most definitely goes under the category of wasting time, and I vowed not to do that at all on my last week here on earth.

Grace and me sit in silence sipping our coffee. My breath smells oddly like gin for just drinking coffee but Grace doesn't question it because my drinking problem has become a lost cause. Some would argue that this, this sitting and not doing anything would be a waste of time but I disagree. Sitting there with Grace is how I would spend all the time in the world if I had it.

I would sit there and watch her breathe for hours, for days…

She finally says something about the weather and I respond accordingly.

Grace is my light. Everything around me will be dark and Grace will walk in and light it back up again. For even the darkest of rooms, the dimmest most unnoticeable light can be seen. That's what Grace is. She is not extravagantly illuminating. She is not even vibrant. She is just this little flicker, a flame; she is my candle in my otherwise shadowy life.

Breakfast is over and she invites me back to Will's apartment. I see no reason why I couldn't so I accept her offer. We get a cab and instead of sitting one seat away from mine she sits in the middle. I am tempted to clasp her hand but I fight the temptation and gaze out the window.

We get out and I pay the man before she can offer to chip in.

We go inside the familiar apartment and ride the elevator up. She stands close to me here also and I am tempted to kiss her but as I even get the nerve to actually consider the act, the elevator rings and allows us out on our desired floor.

She enters Will's apartment without knocking and he is sitting at his table with Jack who is reading the newspaper. "You girls have fun?" says Will. I always liked Will; he had this whole predictable sense of humor that I found refreshing in my unstable life. I liked Will. I made a note to make him aware of that before Friday rolled along.

Grace replies and they engage in conversation. I tune them out and sit on the couch looking around at the apartment.

I'd miss it in there… so many fond memories.

I sat back on the couch and remembered the time grace had passed out drunk on top of me in that very spot.

I looked at the mirror above the fireplace and I remembered when I gave her a beautiful necklace of mine when she was going to propose to Nathan.

So many fond memories.

I get shaken out of my dazed state of mind when jack shouts my name. I realize they are all staring at me and I get embarrassed a little. Not enough to make an excuse for my lack of togetherness, but enough to say, "What?" They laugh at me like they always do and I lower my head and tell myself… one more week of pretending like it doesn't hurt.


	3. Sunday

**SUNDAY:**

I woke up Sunday morning early. I had promised myself not to waste time and sleeping in late, as I had been doing since god knows when, fell under that category. I made it to my closet and ended up in my usual boring outfit.

It made me mad. Why did I dress that way everyday? I don't know. I don't even like dressing that way.

I went to the back of my closet and found my old bin from when I was in college. I opened it. It smelled familiar, but I couldn't put my finger on it. It wasn't a good smell but it wasn't bad. It made me smile to myself.

I was scared to try anything on because I was afraid I wouldn't be the same size but then I saw my tattered pair of jeans that I had loved so much. I looked around the corner to secure my privacy and I slipped off my black pants and pulled up the jeans. I buttoned them effortlessly and I looked in the mirror. I looked pretty good.

The cashmere sweater I was wearing hardly went with ratted jeans so I dove back into the bin. I found a dark blue plain t-shirt and I embraced it. I took off my sweater and put it on. I looked in the mirror. I looked pretty good.

Then Rosario walked in. She was apparently in shock over my unusual apparel but I just smiled cunningly. She told me that Grace was here. I was confused. Grace never just showed up. I wish I had time to put my other outfit back on but the girl barged right in as she had a tendency to do.

"Karen?" she asked, since I'm sure she wasn't a hundred percent positive it was me. I stuck my hands in my pockets. I liked having my hands covered. I hated my hands. When I was young, men told me they loved my hands and that they were pretty and now I hate them.

"Hi honey," I said. Her outfit was similar to mine somewhat. She had on jeans but they weren't torn anywhere and she had on a tank top. I loved it when she dressed casually. "You look different," Grace stated. I was kind of embarrassed, I didn't mean to look stupid, or like I was trying to act younger than I was, I just wanted to try something new.

Then Grace saw my expression and said, "You look good."

I felt a smile slap my face. I wanted to hug her but then I know I'd really look stupid. "Oh I just found my clothes from college and I wanted to just try them on," I said submissively.

Rosario came in.

"Miss Karen you have a phone call," I stand up and excuse myself from Grace for a moment and take the call. It's pharmacist and I tell him I won't need any more pills. He is in shock but by Friday he'll understand why.

I hang up with him and Rosie asks me if I'm okay. I lie to her. She buys it.

I got back into my closet and Grace is on my floor looking meticulously at something. What is it? It's my photo album. Oh no. She wasn't supposed to see that.

"Grace," I say. "Karen these are phenomenal pictures did you take these? Why are all the faces blotted out?"

I think about what I'm going to do. What do I say? Do I tell her the truth? She can't get to the end of the book. What she'll find there will be the end of me. "Grace you don't want to look at that," I try.

She looks up at me, almost with childlike fascination. "Why not? They're so personal and kind of sad. It's beautiful. Who are all of these people?"

I pace back and forth a little trying to search my mind to say something believable that's not the truth. I can't think of anything. Even if I could, I wouldn't be able to say it because my throat is dry. I inhale through my nose. It burns. There's a hole inside my nose from years of abusing drug paraphernalia.

Grace looks up at me again. I'm still silent. I kneel down beside her and take a moment to glance at one of the pages. "Who's this?" she asks to one of the two faces that aren't blotted out.

I finger the picture gently and I feel tears rush to my eyes.

Her long blonde hair and her smile.

It is a black and white photo but I can see the blue in her eyes anyways. "Natalie," I say to her. Grace turns the page and sees another picture of the girl. There is a picture of just her hands. There is a picture of her eyes. Then there's a picture of me planting a gentle kiss on her cheek.

"Karen is that you with her? God you're beautiful. Who was she?" she asked. I still couldn't bare to speak. I knew I had to. I clear my throat. "My girlfriend," I say. I wasn't ashamed of Natalie, how could I be? I was just tormented with the memories that went along with her. That was the only reason I had never mentioned her.

Grace didn't question it. She didn't say, "_girlfriend?_" in a weird way. She just turned the next page. AI had almost forgotten what I was trying to hide as Grace's face was strewn across the page. Now my throat was too dry to say anything and my hands were to numb to slam the book shut.

Pictures of Grace. She wasn't looking in any of them because she couldn't know I took them. Grace working. Grace's red hair during a sunny afternoon in the office. Grace laughing at Will.

"Karen?" she asked me. I should have killed myself yesterday, I thought. How could I explain this? There was no explaining. I could say nothing. "I love you Gracie," is what I said.

I think that's what is said. My throat was dry and my mind was hazed so I wasn't sure if words were actually coming out. Grace stood up, I remember that clearly. I didn't want her to be afraid of me, I wasn't doing it to be weird or creepy.

"I'm sorry Grace," I say. Grace cocks her head sideways and looks at me questioningly. "I just,"

No that isn't right.

"I want to be able to look at you, even when you're not here."

She says, "Karen," again and I look up to her. I'm sure my mascara is running but I don't care anymore. I've lost my limitations and I can feel my virtues sinking. Then she turns and walks out.

I go numb.

I fall to the floor.

I don't get up.

I waste time.

Jack comes over. I have gained the strength to move to the kitchen where I sit on the counter in my torn jeans and drink Smirnoff from the bottle. He hesitantly comes towards me. "Hi Kare…" he says. I look over at him and smile. "Hey Jackie," I reply.

He hops up and sits next to me. I clasp his hand. "Where have ya been all day Kare? I thought we were going shopping?" he asks.

Shopping? No that is a waste of time. I am not going to go shopping. I love Jack, I need to tell him that. "I love you," I say as I rest my head on his chest.

I'm almost certain he marks my behavior as just a drunken gesture so he plays along and rests his head atop of mine. It's not just a drunken flourish, I really love Jack. "I love you too Karen bear," he says squeezing my hand.

I think of an idea. "What say you me and you take a little vacation? Hmm? Just me and you go up to my cabin for a day or two?" I can sense he wants to so I don't really say anything else and take another large gulp of the liquor.

We go. We get there late that same night. Jack doesn't work and I barely work so we can do these spontaneous things.

I wish we had done them more often; it's too late now.

I just couldn't manage handling the situation with Grace right then. I knew I had to deal with it sometime before Friday rolled along, but it was only Sunday night, I didn't have to deal with it just yet.

Jack and me sat at the table where we once played strip poker. I was still in my comfy outfit that surprisingly, Jack hadn't commented on… yet. My face felt pale.

I had a pain in my stomach that didn't feel right. I had never felt a pain like that before. I clenched it and Jack looked at my face that was surely a grimace. "You okay Kare?" he asks.

I don't reply.

"Kare?" he stands up now and I motion him away with my free hand. He sits back down.

The pain stops and I look up at his worried facial expression. "I'm okay, just a tummy ache," I say carelessly. I wonder for a moment what is going through Jack's mind. I wonder how he sees me. He always pretends like he looks up to me, but does he really?

"Jackie, do you look up to me?" I ask. Usually I'd never find the courage to ask such personal questions, but with one week to live you have a 'screw it' attitude, (I've learned.) "Of course I do Kare, you're wonder woman. You're strong when everyone else is weak, I love ya."

Dammit Jack, why do you have to make things so hard on me?

Strong? He thinks I'm strong? He could have said ANYTHING, besides strong. He could have said beautiful, smart, funny, ANYTHING but strong. I am not strong. I am weak and vulnerable and a lousy excuse for a human being. I am a coward. I am fearful and loaded.

"Strong?" I say. He looks up at me since my tone was not of my usual nature. "Yeah Kare, you're a really strong woman." He doesn't understand my questioning, I can tell. "Jack, I'm a lot of things, but strong is not one of them," I only say that because I have to.

We stay up for a little while longer talking and drinking. I smoke too and Jack tries to and I laugh when he coughs. It wasn't a real laugh though; it was a fake one. I pretend to yawn and excuse myself to my room.

I am not tired but I can't stand his continuous blather any longer. I lie in my bed reminiscing. I had a good run. I can hear Jackie rustling through the fridge. I roll over and glance at the clock. It's too blurry to make out what the time was. It either said 3, or five. I don't care.

I finally saw the light turn off beneath my door and I heard Jack climbing the stairs to go to bed.

We usually slept in the same bed. Tonight I needed my space.

When I was sure he was asleep I arose from my bed and went to the balcony and lit a cigarette. One of its embers floated down and burnt my wrist. I swept it off but then regretted it. I don't know what made me do it, but I took a long drag and then placed the burning tip on my arm until it was completely put out.

I didn't see why I couldn't. It was my body after all. And pretty soon, I wouldn't be using it anymore. I threw the remains of the cigarette down and held my wrist. It felt good though.

I went back into bed and I went to sleep.


	4. Monday

**MONDAY:**

I woke up gripping my arm. It looked funny. It had bubbled up and it was sore. I got up from bed and looked through my bin of college clothes, which were the only clothes I had brought.

I wished I had brought other clothes at this moment, because I hated getting attention for trying to look different. Oh well. I put on a different pair of jeans. These weren't my favorite as the other ones had been but I loved them just as much. Maybe a little less.

I looked for a t-shirt and found one of my old concert t-shirts. Who had I seen this band with? I thought. Was his name Adam? Or Dennis? Perhaps Courtney. Anyways, I put it on. I took my hair down and shook it.

I walked out of my room and stumbled a tad. I was still tired. I had gotten to bed late and I assumed it was still fairly early. Jack was cooking breakfast. He's sweet… plus I think that he sensed I had been upset.

That I was.

"Morning poodle," I say as I sit down at the table and steal a sip from his coffee. "Oh hey Kare," he replies exuberantly. I wonder what he's so excited about. It's just a Monday. Why is he so happy to be alive? I wish I had that, I become a tad jealous.

"I'm makin' eggs and bacon, you want some?"

I look over at him compellingly. I tilt my head a little, trying to throw words into the back of my throat so I can spit them out to him but I can't manage. My throat is burning a little and my arm is on fire.

He looks over at me and I nod. He put some on a plate for me and brings it to the table. Sucks that he's gay, he'd make a really good husband.

"Jack, I love you," I say finally. The vibration in my throat from my voice makes the back of my neck tickle and I hold back a cough. He looks over at me, confused at my motive. "I love you too Karen." I love it when he uses my full name.

Karen.

I like that.

"You have to work today," he tells me. I knew that already but I thank him for rubbing it in my face.

"Yeah I know," I say while pushing my fork around my plate effortlessly. I am tired. I don't want to get up and go to work. I am already nervous about thinking what I am going to say to Grace. What can I say? What would be a good lie to mask my undying love for her? I was high? No, no I think I have overplayed that excuse.

No, it must be better than that. Jack goes on talking but I let thoughts flow throughout my mind. I could tell her it was platonic, and I had photos of all of my friends in there. No, what if she asks to see them? Then I will look even more pathetic.

I cannot think of one by now but I'm sure I will by the time I reach the office.

I didn't

I walk in dizzily and set my bag on the table. I am drunker than I usually am when I come in. I will not tell her that I had just got done driving here. She got mad last time she found out I was drinking and driving. I'll let her think driver took me.

I miss my seat and fall on the floor. I remember hitting my head on the desk.

I woke up with Grace hovering over me saying, "Karen? Karen it's Grace wake up. KAREN!" she shouts. My eyes flutter open and the room seems to be spinning. I say a careful choice of words and Grace can't help but smile. "Mother," "Are you okay?" Grace interrupts.

I am all right. I can get up on my own okay, but I say. "Hmm?" she helps me up. I pretend to stumble and she rests her arm around my back. I love when she touches me. I love having an excuse to wrap my arms around her gingerly.

"What happened?" I exaggerate. "You fell over and busted your head, here come on," she said bringing me to a chair in the back. She knocks down all of her little fabric and stuff to make room for me. I actually do feel a little lightheaded now. Or maybe I'm just telling myself that.

I look at her meticulously and she gives me a half little smile. I could kiss her if I weren't so fucking trashed. Not that I would if I weren't, not that she'd let me.

"You okay?" she says releasing her arm from my lower back. I think I said, "yes," but I can't be certain. She sits down and puts her head in her hands. "Are you okay?" I say back to her. She seems taken back a tad by my question but responds frivolously, "yeah, yeah."

I stand up and stumble a little on my way over to her. "Gracie, I'm so sorry about yesterday," I say, not a hundred percent truthfully. I was searching my brain for some sort of lie to tell the girl to get myself out of this awkward mess of a life I have gotten myself into.

I can't think of a lie.

The truth comes out.

"I didn't mean to just blurt that out, I wasn't planning on ever telling you that," I say. "You were just going to go through life lying to me?" she says. I think to myself that I could definitely handle going through the rest of my life not telling her…

"Well Grace, I didn't want to hurt you," I say carefully. "You didn't hurt me Kare, you surprised me a little, sure but it didn't hurt… love never hurts."

I like that… love never hurts. Stupid naïve Grace. Love is the most painful thing in the world. It takes people's hearts and shreds them to tiny pieces. Love doesn't hurt… that is a sweet thought… inaccurate… but sweet.

I just shake my head at her. She IS younger than me, but I didn't realize she was so young still.

So young.

"How-how long have you liked me?" she asks tentatively. I smile, a little embarrassed and reply, "Liked you? Gracie I love you, and I have since the moment I met you, you're the world."

Did that sound stupid? The truth always sounds stupid. Dammit I should have lied!

She smiles again. I am confused. Is she laughing at me? No she is happy I think. Did I do that? Did I make her smile? God her smile gets burned into my eyes. I feel one on my face even though I am poignant.

"Why didn't you tell me?" are Grace's next words.

"I dunno Grace," I say truthfully. The truth had been coming out a lot lately. I decided it had to.

So I kneel down next to her and rest my hands atop of hers, "Listen to me Grace, listen carefully… I love you, I do, I love you and I always have. I know that I have been drinking and I know that I'm guilty… we both know that's right, but I really love you and that's all I can say to you, because that's all I have."

Grace looked at me for a second. She had nothing to say back. I don't think she did. She looked sad now. I liked her when she was smiling but… God was she breathtaking when she was sad.

She looked up and me and we were close…

She tilted her a head a tad and shut her eyes and I responded. Our lips barely brushed each other when the door to her office opened. I jumped up and she did as well. She backed away from me a little embarrassed I assume. I don't blame her for being embarrassed kissing me.

It was Will and his head was down; reading a newspaper. I heard Grace sigh with relief. I didn't know I was THAT embarrassing.

"Hey Will!" she said while greeting him with a kiss. They always did that… I was jealous. There were still butterflies in my stomach at the closeness I had just had with Grace. I needed her now. I wish Will would leave so I could kiss her.

If he left would she let me kiss her? Had she just become wrapped up in the moment? Maybe she didn't even mean it. Probably not. I mean look at me, I'm just some old miserable wasted drunk.

I slink back to my desk; Will ignores me as usual. I take in their conversation. Such dynamic between them… it is a rare dynamic… one that you don't come across everyday so I take note of it.

I envy the way Grace touches him; so playfully. Her hand taps his. Her head tilts when she laughs hard at one of his silly jokes. Her left foot is tiptoed when she leans on him. He says some more stupid stuff and then they kiss again and he looks at me. "Hi Karen," he says. I turn behind me to make she he actually is addressing me and not some other woman named Karen sitting behind me.

"Hello Will," I say back. Normally I would have said something rude and witty back to him but my mind is on Grace right now. Their dialogue continues, followed by another kiss and then he leaves.

I spend the rest of my last Monday workday in silence, wondering if I should say something to Grace. I'd think hard and open my mouth slightly but I couldn't bring myself to say the words. I glanced at the clock and an hour had already passed. Then another. Pretty soon it was ten minutes until it was time to go home.

I watched her scurry around pretending to be busy. She was putting stuff away when I finally said, "Gracie?" I had almost surprised myself that I had said that; said ANYTHING. Unfortunately, I had forgotten what I was supposed to say after that…

She looked over and as I remained silent, she smiled. Did I do that? Did I make her smile? She said, "Karen," just like that. Softly she said it, almost at a whisper. She swung her leg a little and came towards my desk.

She got down on her knees as I had done earlier and she rested her head on my lap. What was she doing? Through my confusion I managed to run my fingers through her hair. She looked up at me and I looked at her.

It was at this very moment when I had a doubt. A doubt about how certain I was about killing myself. Those eyes made me want to live forever. My heartache was stubborn though and that thought was soon swept away in my rapidly flowing stream of consciousness.

Her green eyes almost suffocated me but she shut them and I was no longer as hypnotized. Then and only then did I realize what was happening. We were kissing.

Her lips abraded mine and her hand was gently placed on my cheek. I felt as though I was about to fly away and the only thing keeping me there was Grace's touch. Was I dreaming? I had to be dreaming.

This girl? Kissing ME? Could I be so lucky? I knew it was real when she placed her left hand on my breast. Why she did this, I was unsure because it had been to my knowledge that she was straight. At the moment though, I was in no condition to question her because my lips were being occupied.

I let my fingers lock together behind her neck and my elbows rested on her shoulders. She sat up and we were the same height. I let my mouth leave hers and travel to her neck. I felt her breath on my ear and my eyes fluttered a little.

I remember her smelling like the ocean. I assumed I smelled like alcohol, and maybe my shampoo. I prayed no one would come in and interrupt this because it was too perfect. We were too close to be torn apart.

Why was she doing this? Why now? I am dying in a few days, how can she make me so guilty about that? There is nothing I can do about it now. I'll just have to feel guilty because my suicide is unavoidable. I HAVE to do this now; it is too late to go back.

Then my thoughts left me and all I thought about was her. She bit my lip so gently and I let myself fall on top of her and we were both on the floor. She rolled me over and got on top of me. The floor was cold and my shirt had come up a bit so my back was touching it.

I didn't mind though, not with Grace on top of me. I turned my head when she came to kiss my lips to tease her. She kissed my neck and I bit my lips.

On my way home I was walking on air. I inhaled life and all it's aspect and truly appreciated it. Of course that sounds hypocritical since I am, in fact, going to kill myself, but that I cannot help you see, because I have no choice in the matter.

Moments like this made me wish I didn't have to end it all, but I do and it makes me a little sad.

Walking home I think about what I could have done differently throughout my life. I might have traveled the world a little more thoroughly, gone to more places. I would have been more humble when I had all the money in the world. I would have tried to reconcile with a lot of people I wasn't on great terms with.

So much I could have; should have done, differently. I would have told Grace right off the bat that I was in love with her. Maybe then I could have spent more time with her.

Too late for that now, so I must stop thinking about it. Too depressing. The rest of the way home I think of the intoxication I felt upon touching Grace in that way for the first time. That was when I decided to make a list of things to do before the week is over….

I rushed home and grabbed a tiny notepad and a pen and this is what I came up with…

_Make love to Grace_

_Get Jack to but me lunch_

_Hang out with Will… just Will…_

_Help a charity_

_Have a one on one with Rosie_

_Take pictures of everyone and everything and DON'T blot out their faces_

_Get a tattoo_

_Dance with a stranger_

_Be vulnerable in front of someone_

_Say goodbye_

On that note…I closed my book and put it at my bedside stand and shut off the light and went to sleep. I had a big day ahead of me.


	5. Tuesday

**Tuesday:**

Tuesday morning to me, felt like it was the beginning of a very successful day. I woke up and brushed my teeth. I decided I wasn't going to wear any college clothes today, but I did end up wearing something I little more casual than usual. Today I was going to come into work late, but I'm sure Grace would understand since she was used to my questionable attendance.

I skipped down the stairs and saw Rosie sitting at the table. I figured now would be as good of time as any to ask her how she is doing and have our one on one. "Hey Ro-Ro," I say cheerfully as I sit down next to her.

"Hello Miss Karen," she says back. I smile at her and she looks up at me. "What do you want?" she asks while tying her apron in the back. "Nothin Rosie, I just wanna talk with ya, that okay?"

The woman looks at me cautiously but then sits down and sets her apron beside her on the counter. "So, how have things been for you lately?" I ask her. She looks up at me and says, "They're okay…. how about for you?" I smile. "How are your kids?"

Now she is afraid almost, I wish it wasn't this way. Why did I have to become a person people feared? That wasn't what I wanted. That wasn't the life I had planned for myself. I want to be liked and loved and reliable, but I am none of those things. I am feared, and greedy, and cold.

"Um, Maria, my granddaughter is graduating eighth grade," she said proudly. I smiled and nodded, "Good for her."

In front of people, I pretend like I never let Rosario make any contact with her family, but really I let her call them whenever she wants, as long as she isn't on the phone too long. I understand how important family is. Hahaha, that was a good one. Me? Understand family? Ha, wow I'm the least family oriented person I have ever met.

"And Carlos? Didn't you say he just wrote a book?" Rosario's eyes light up when I say Carlos' name, since he is her favorite son. I also think that she was a little surprised that I remembered something she told me.

People don't really know this but I listen to everything.

I hear everything.

"Yes he just finished writing his second book, I still have to read it," she said while looking off in the distance.

We then started talking about our families. I talked about mine well my lack of, and she listened and she talked about hers and listened. We got into talking about drinking problems in our family and that came to my drinking problem and I told her I promise to start going to AA meetings next Monday…I feel bad lying to her, but eh oh well.

Then we were laughing and I peered over at the clock, but had to squint since my eyes had been weak lately. I was supposed to be wearing glasses but, eh oh well. More time passed than I was aware of.

I hug Rosario and by now she has warmed up to me a little so she hugs back and I am thankful for that because me and her hug hardly enough. We are after all, like family. I hope she has forgiven me for being so heartless over the years. I understand that one talk couldn't possibly erase the past but Rosie is a good person, maybe she will be merciful towards me, because I can't have her having hard feelings when I pass.

I am suddenly in a hurry to get to work and I almost jog down the street. I need to see Grace. I don't plan to do number one on my list today…. that I want to save. I crossed number five off as I entered the office.

Grace was on the phone so I didn't say anything. She saw me walk in and flashed me a huge smile. I couldn't help but so the same because no matter how sad or depressed I was, when Grace smiled I did too. When Grace laughed, no matter how much I tried, I could not hold back a chuckle.

I set all of my stuff down carelessly on the floor. Some papers fell from my purse but I didn't feel like bending down so they remained there. Grace turned away and continued to speak and as she was turned I stared at her. She would turn back around and I would try to appear busy but as soon as her head was once turned I found my eyes once again fixated on her.

Her motions were foreign to me. She gnawed mercilessly at one of her cuticles; something I had never done and I wondered what it would be like to bit it off. I looked down at my own hand and thought about biting all of my nails off for a moment. I looked back up at Grace and decided to let nail biting be, "her thing."

She tapped her foot. I looked down at my feet. Have I ever tapped my foot? I didn't know.

Her shoulders were bony. I felt my own shoulders. I wished mine were bonier like hers. I started tapping my shoulder, trying to feel the bone. I became obsessed with it. Where was my one? Was it there? Hers was so obvious, I was sure she had one but how was I to know if I really had a bone there?

I got up.

"Grace," I said frantically. She shook her hand at me dismissively but I continued to tap her back. I started feeling on her shoulders. I pinched the skin on one and she said, "Ow!" but the conversation jerked her attention back away from me. I grabbed some scissors on her desk and put it to my shoulder and cut my skin. Blood immediately flowed out. "Uh-huh," said Grace to the person on the phone, "Oh my god!" she screamed. She dropped the phone and grabbed the scissors from me.

"Oh my God Karen what are you doing?" she said desperately. I then snapped back into reality.

Ow, that hurt.

"I, wanted to see if there were bones," my words seemed stupid even to me now. A moment ago they seemed so valid and pressing but now I could see my temporary insanity.

Was it really temporary? Or was I crazy?

All of these thoughts ran through my head as Grace took me back in the swatch room. "Karen you're going to need stitches," she said shakily. I looked back down and saw three rags covered in my blood.

"Then call an ambulance," I stated obviously. "You just told me not to?"

Had I? I don't remember saying that. "Okay call them but tell them it was an accident."

Grace does so and she doesn't ask questions. I am glad. This was not how I wanted to spend the rest of my last Tuesday. Not at all.

Grace waited with me the whole time the cleaned me up. It hurt for a little but as my thoughts flowed endlessly through my head, my mind was set astray from the pain.

"What were you doing?" asked Grace as we walked out of the hospital corridor into the melting sun. I squint my eyes. I always was fond of bright light I realized. "I don't know," I say somewhat truthfully, since I thought that was what I had been doing but my whole mind had been lying to me lately so I wasn't sure.

That is enough and she doesn't ask again.

I am surprised by this behavior because usually Grace Adler is one of the nosiest, meddlesome, people I know. I don't know what is making her behave this way but I am thankful for it today, because if she were to ask me once more I would not know what to tell her.

We get into a taxi and she sits next to me instead of a seat over. I roll the window all the way down and I put my arm out of it. I look at the trees. All different heights that define the skyline, I move my hand along with their constantly changing stature.

The image is crisp and clear and I shut my eyes for a moment and breathe in the warm wind. The only thing marring my image was several strands of hair that tossed around listlessly with the breeze. I looked over at Grace who was apparently in a deep train of thought. I clasped her hand and wished I was one to comfort.

She placed her free hand atop of mine and ended up comforting me. I rested my head on her shoulder and I felt her looking at the top of my head. I felt her breathing. It was steady and it could have lulled me to sleep if I didn't know better.

I managed to look out the window and I spotted a tattoo parlor and I shouted, "Stop!"

I yanked Grace out of the cab and pulled her onto the sidewalk. Good thing she remembered to slip the driver a twenty because in my impulsiveness I would have stole a cab ride.

"What?" she asked sounding concerned. I held both of her hands as to prepare her for what I was about to suggest. "Let's get tattoos!" I say. She laughs a little at first but she becomes aware of my seriousness and looks at me awkwardly. "Karen," she says backing away. "Oh come on honey, just a little one where no one can see it, please please please!" I beg. She shakes her head no, and says, "uh-uh," but I make her look at me, "trust me," I say.

I pull her into the place and a man walked up tot eh counter. "We want tattoos," I say boldly. I bump Grace playfully and I can tell she is deadly nervous. I'm nervous too but pretend not to be for Grace. "What do you want?" the guy asks.

Hmm, I hadn't gotten that far along in my plan yet. "What should we get Grace?" I ask. The girl looks distraught upon this. "Your master plan, you decide," she says while throwing up her hands. I look back at the guy and I say, "I want a set of wings…real small, on my lower back."

Grace looked over at me. I bit my lip as I looked at her, revealing my slight discomfort and unease about the situation, this actually discerned her a little and she turned to the guy and said, "same for me but on the other side," She screamed after saying this but I could tell she was excited.

We walked out as the sun set trying to maneuver ourselves to see our backs.

We ended up in an ice cream parlor a few doors down. "What's up with you?" said Grace with a giant spoonful of ice cream in her mouth. I reached over and wiped some whipped cream off her chin with my thumb and put it in my mouth.

"What do you mean?" I reply. "You're not yourself lately." Ahh, she _has_ noticed. I just smile and say, "I dunno honey, ya only live once, I figure might as well have some fun," she shakes her head agreeing to my statement.

I'd later on realize the impact that sentence had… not now though, not yet.

"I wonder what Will is going to say," she says while trying to get another look at it. "hey, don't tell him… see how long it takes him to find out," I say half-joking. She takes it seriously and doesn't tell him when she gets home.

I got home and kicked off my shoes and crossed number seven off of my list.

Another successful day.

I slept peacefully that night and had not one dream I could remember.


	6. Wednesday

"**Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and its sucked every second so far, it probably isn't gonna get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early."**

** Doug Stanhope**

**Wednesday:**

I woke up a little later than I planned and went down the stairs and ate some breakfast. I had forgotten to eat dinner the night before so I indulged a bit.

I looked at my notepad and decided what I wanted to cross off today.

Hmm… I regretted making the list there because I was almost certain I could not pull all of those things off by Friday. And it was ALREADY Wednesday!! Ahh panic…

Anyways I looked over the list again. Help a charity… I could do that one today. I circle it. All the others seemed very up in the air to me so I just drew a flower on the corner of the paper and shut it back up and tossed it in my purse.

I walked out onto the street and it was raining out. It was raining hard.

I always enjoyed the rain in small doses. I loved the whole after-rain-misty deal. I loved that. Rosie would always yell at me for leaving my windows open while it rained, but I didn't care if the windowsill got ruined, I loved the sound. It was like a lullaby.

I carried with me, my purse. Inside it was a blue pen, my notepad (with list), some pills and a flask, some hair ties and a little travel sized brush, a pack of cigarettes and a book of matches Stan had brought home from a strip club, my wallet and cash and all that fun stuff, and a picture of Grace laughing in Central Park. I couldn't even remember when that picture had been taken but I remember being so happy that day and holding my side painfully from laughing so incredibly hard…

The city noises and graphics were spinning wildly in my head. The pavement seemed like a giant pool that I might sink into if I didn't keep my steady pace. My heels clicked as they hit every square of the sidewalk and the monotonous sound was relieving.

I brushed some strands of hair away from my face that felt smoother today than usual, (the result of a good night's sleep.) I passed a couple, holding hands and I was envious of them. Why couldn't that be Grace and me, holding hands for the world to see?

The gray buildings and streets made the city look like it was a huge pile of ashes. Maybe it was all just ashes…. just the remains of something that used to be there, something better. I wasn't sure if that could be true but I didn't know it not to be true so in my mind, I believed it.

I was going to die on Friday and I was wondering what all of these people were thinking. I looked at the faces that came at me like drops of rain, all unique but similar and uniform in a way that can't be changed. What were all of them thinking?

Where did I leave my keys?

When is my wife going to call me?

Did I forget to feed the dog?

Such simple thoughts for such simple people. Did any of them think outside of the box? Were all of them too invested in their own little worlds to think about the one they _lived_ in? No wonder the World is so cruel… so mean and heartless.

Like I have room to talk.

I opened the door to Grace Adler designs to the sound of Grace's laughter. I wish I had my camera at hand; her laugh is astounding. "Hey Kare!" said Jack as he ran up to kiss me. Why was everyone in such a good mood?

"Hey kids, what's goin on?" I ask. He skips back to Grace's side and puts his arm around her. Grace motions to her desk and I walk over to find her on the cover of Divine Design Magazine. I clap my hands proudly and say, "Wow Grace! Good job honey!" I went to hug her but she stopped me.

Why did she stop me? Now I couldn't even hug her? No she wasn't stopping me.

She rejected me a hug and gave me a gentle kiss on the lips. I quickly looked to Jack to see his reaction but he hadn't even seen it since he had been pressing buttons on the phone to make the blinking lights appear.

I then smiled gratefully to Gracie.

What a sweetheart.

I looked at the picture and she looked great in it. She was lying down on a rug next to a fireplace, it was that one house she did in lower Manhattan. Grace thinks I don't remember those things but I do. I know almost every home she has ever done. I remember them better than she does.

When she goes out I go through her design book and just take in her creativity. God the girl can't pick out a matching outfit to save her life, but when it comes to furniture she's like a genius.

"Looks good Grace, really good," I conceded. She smiled coyly. Then I went back to my desk. Will came in and Jack finally lost interest with his new toy and said, "Hello Will, my you're looking handsome today, can I borrow twenty bucks?" he just ignored him and went up to Grace. "Hey Gracie, I saw the magazine you look amazing!" they kissed. "You want to come out to lunch with me? I have the rest of the day off," Grace shook her head before he was even finished with the sentence.

"Sorry sweetie I have a lot to do today, plus Jack is going with me to this house I'm doing because it's one of his ex-lovers or something," she said while flipping crazily through swatches.

"Okay well there goes my day," said Will pouting. I remembered my list and said, "Hey Will, howsabout I go with ya? If you don't mind," his reaction was one of shock, but not disappointment and that was good to see.

William and I had never gotten along fabulously. We were always at each others throat one way or another, but he didn't seem to object to my company at all and before I knew it, we were sharing a cab.

He didn't sit directly next to me, he sat next to the opposite window but that was okay.

We ended up at one of Will's favorite restaurants; I knew that because I remember dining there on one of his birthdays. He ordered his usual and I just ordered some soup. I hadn't realized it was already lunchtime. I must have slept later than I thought.

"Me and you hardly hang out enough Karen," said Will while taking a large sip from his iced tea. 'You're right, we haven't," I stated almost to myself. There was something about Will's voice that kept me on edge… in a good way.

"Grace told me about you two," he said. I smiled unconsciously and looked up at him, "Did she now… and what exactly did Red say?" I said that trying to sound confident and sure. I always seemed to sound it, rather be it. "She said she's crazy about you basically. I don't blame her Karen you're a great strong woman."

There it was again. Strong? Me? Ha! I could have laughed in his face but instead I just screamed on the inside, hoping some of the sound would seep out.

""Well she's great too Will and I really do care about her," he smiled apprehensively and I said, "I care about all of you guys so much, you all mean a lot to me," I don't know what made me say that to Will, or say anything that could be considered even remotely "touchy-feely" but before I could think twice, I said it and I did not regret it.

A few minutes passed of comfortable silences and a remark here or there and then my cell phone rang. "Hello?" I asked the person on the other line. It was Rosie and she needed some cash so I went outside to meet her. 'Hey Ro-ro, what's up?" She told me her Mo-ped had run out of gas and needed a twenty to fill'er up. I gave her a hundred and told her to buy something nice and I went back in with Will.

"Hey honey sorry about that, Rosie has problems," I said. He looked a little different. I don't know why. Sadder, or something.

"hey Karen, there is this new charity helping runaway teens, you should donate," he said bluntly. It all came back to me now! I was supposed to help a charity! I had completely forgotten! Thank god Wilma was there!

"Yeah Will I would love to help that," I said nodding my head to emphasize my enthusiasm. It was weird he didn't question my sudden streak of "chairitability". I was usually so stingy and money stricken. He just smiled at me sweetly. I didn't question it and neither did he.

He took me to the teen runaway center and we walked in together. I was nervous, to be honest. There were kids scattered here and there, some making phone calls to parents and some were crying, some smoking, and some laughing. Teens are incredible creatures, in my opinion, the most interesting creatures on Earth. They all can be so enthusiastic about life in general, just the whole thing to them is so new and they are finally comprehending it. They have the world at their feet.

Some people say teens have not a care in the world and that can be nowhere farther from the truth. This becomes glaringly apparent as I skim through the crowd of lonely lost faced. I see on a girls wrists, scars… I am no idiot…. they were not there by mistake. A boy who is beaten black and blue is laughing with a girl who appears to have not eaten in a week.

I write my check and hand it to the man who hugs me upon seeing the amount. Will is proud of me. I smile at a girl on the way out.

I wonder what they all saw as I walked in. Some rich snob who feels bad? If only knew that I once was them.

Will and I walk back out onto the street. He started trying to get a cab but I say, "Oh, no Will it's okay, I'm not that far from here I can walk," he nods and says, "Okay… and I think what you did in there was really nice Karen, good for you."

He turned and walked the other way. Why was he acting differently around me? I wasn't sure. He seemed awkward almost, like he was hiding something. Anyways, I walked briskly down the now empty and even grayer New York.

It started to drizzle and with a burst of thunder it began to pour. I didn't go fast… I didn't hurry. I let the rain stream down my face and I shut my eyes and let in the sound… the smell… the texture. I hoped that this was what heaven was like… pure bliss.

I came up to my door but someone grabbed my wrist. It was raining too hard to see a face but I could tell it was a man by his hands. He put one arm around my waist and one on my hand and he dipped me. We began to dance.

I didn't question it. Was it god? Was this him? Who was this man I was dancing with? The rain melted my worries and I let our feet move together. He almost felt familiar. The way he danced was swift and smooth. He spun me around and I could almost hear music.

Pretty soon we weren't even dancing… we were just swaying. "Who are you?" I asked loudly, so he could hear my voice over the rain. "Why do you want to die Karen?" he said almost in tears. "What? How do you know my name?" I took a second to analyze the voice… "Will?" I ask. He pulled me underneath a canvas out of the storm. It was Will. I couldn't tell if he was crying or just really wet from the rain, but it was Will.

"Karen I saw your notepad, with your list."

"Why were you going through my purse? I snapped.

"You had gone to give Rosie some money and you left it behind and I just wanted a piece of gum and it was just there and I read it, I'm sorry,"

Ahh, that's why he helped me go to that charity… that's why he danced with me.

What was to happen now? What lie could I tell him?

"Will I don't want to die, I just wrote them down to… set goals for myself, just guidelines," I lied.

Why did I lie?

"Karen, we love you so much, and we want you to be around forever," he said. Here it was…number nine… I began to cry and Will held my wet body. "It's going to be okay Kare," he soothed. "And I promise that tomorrow… I'll get Jack to buy you lunch."

I laughed.

Will was a better guy than I gave him credit for…. No wonder Grace loved him so much.

**OKAY THIS CHAPTER WAS KINDA CRAZY, BUT I DIDN'T REALZIE HOW HARD IT WOULD BE TO WRITE ALL OF THIS WITHIN A WEEK TIME SPAN! SHE JUST HAS SOO MUCH TO DO! IT IS GETTING DOWN TO THE LAST TWO DAYS! ANYWAYS, LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK OF IT, I LIKE IT….SO FAR… X0X0 EM X0X0**


	7. Thursday

_**Warning: this chapter has some pretty explicit stuff…so if you still think that the stork dropped you on the doorstep…you may not wanna read it…. thanks**_

"_**Love is stronger than death even though it can't stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it can't separate people from love. It can't take away our memories either. In the end, life is stronger than death.**__**"**_

**Thursday:**

Wow was Wednesday crazy, I thought as I woke up in my big bed.

I hardly even remembered what all had happened since it was so event filled. I rolled over and saw Will lying next to me.

Why was he there?

What happened?

I remember after I had cried to him, I had invited him inside and we began to drink…

That I remember. Then we started watching a movie and then we played a card game…Will was more drunk than me, so I figured he'd have a pretty bad headache when he woke up. I stood up and the room spun a little. We didn't have sex right? I thought as I saw my own apparel, which wasn't much….

No, Will was gay and I loved Grace, sex wasn't even in the realm of possibility. I remember, we played strip poker and fell asleep; yeah that was it. I was positive.

My hair felt soft from being in the rain but I looked in the mirror of the bathroom and restrained myself from screaming bloody murder at the image facing me. I rubbed my face and hit the water to the shower.

I let my silky robe slip off of me gently onto the floor. Steam from the shower seeped out and I climbed in. The water felt good on my body. I turned around and let my hair sponge up the warm soft water.

I began to sing, as I always did in the shower. I always thought I had a nice singing voice, I wondered if anyone else thought so. I usually sang fun crazy and wild and jazzy ballads but today I was in the mood for something bluesier.

"Ain't no talking to this man," I sang. "Ain't no pretty other side," the door opened, "Ain't no way he'll understand," Will stood still, maybe he thought I didn't know he was there, "Stupid words of pride," he came closer…"It would take an acrobat," was he going to speak? "I already tried all that," "Karen?" He asked. I ignore him, "I'm gunna let him fly," "Kare?" he repeats. "Yeah Will?" I say finally.

He is silent.

"Morning," he said. I smiled. "You got any aspirin? Or something? My head is killing me," I smiled even wider. "Yeah honey top shelf of the cabinet."

He goes into the cabinet and takes it out. "What happened last night?" he asked as he downed one of them. "We had sex," I said. I heard him drop the pill bottle, "WHAT!?" he exclaimed. I laughed, "God Wilma, just kidding," I teased. I grabbed my towel and turned off the water and got out.

"Wow, you were really that drunk?" I inquire. He shrugs his shoulders and continues picking up the spilled medication. "You have work today," I tell him. He stands up, "Oh my god, what time is it?" He leaves the room hurriedly. I follow him, "It's seven thirty, don't worry you still have time to grab some breakfast," I tell him.

I drop my towel and I know he is looking at me, but I don't care. I had never been one to be shy about showing my body. Hey, if you got it, might as well flaunt it. Plus, Will was gay so it didn't really count.

I put some clothes on and he just watches me. I can tell he is feeling uncomfortable and I like that. I made him uncomfortable and I think it is kind of funny.

I turn around and say, "Come on," he swallows hard and follows me down the stairs to the kitchen. "What do ya want?" I ask. He looks confused, "What?" I ask. "Doesn't your chef usually make breakfast and stuff?"

Did I really seem that superficial? Did I seem so fake that I can't even cook my own breakfast? Wow.

"Well I can make breakfast honey, it's not like I'm retarded," I said half-kidding. He laughed but then realization was strewn across his face and his expression dwindled. "What?" I question cautiously. "Karen, why did you make that list?" I turn away and go into cabinets, trying to avoid the subject altogether.

This wasn't supposed to happen.

No one was suppose to find out…especially not Will.

"I told you honey, just to make goals for myself," I said not very convincingly. Sure, I could have convinced him in a heartbeat, I knew I could. I was a fantastic liar, and an even better actress… if I didn't want Will to know I was lying, he wouldn't have… but I made him know I was lying and I'm not sure why.

Maybe it was because I thought he could save me?

"I don't buy that Karen," he said.

He walked over to me while I was running the water and he put his arm around my waist, I put my hand on top of his. "Karen is there something you want to tell me?" he asked.

That was my chance, that was my chance to tell him my problem, and how I was going to die tomorrow… oh my god… _tomorrow_. But I didn't tell him.

I lied.

Convincingly.

"Will, really, don't worry, it was nothing like what you're thinking, I promise…" I turned around and he gave me a hug.

I opened the door to the office to find Grace crying. "Gracie what's wrong?" I said as I rushed to her side. She was startled by my presence but quickly marked it off and sobbed, "I lost my biggest client."

She always became distraught over such matters…I constantly had to remind her that she was utterly fantastic and if people couldn't see that, that it was their loss. She always became so worried, and I felt so helpless when there was nothing that I could say to console her.

"It's okay Grace, don't worry it will be all right," I said as I knelt down and held her. I ran my fingers through her crimson hair and she settled. "Oh Karen," she said as she wiped tears off of her face. "I don't know what I'd do without you," she said as she stood up.

"You don't ever have to worry about that honey," I said. She gave a half-smile and went back into the bathroom.

It wasn't until I sat down that I had realized what a lie I had just told.

Was I REALLY willing to leave Gracie all alone? Was I having second thoughts about this whole charade? No, no I couldn't be, I was sure… wasn't I?

I had this planned, there was no turning back now…. wasn't there?

Grace came in wiping her eyes with a Kleenex. I looked at her empathetically and she came over by me. "Well, I have nothing to do all day then," she said while sitting on my empty desk carefully.

"I have a fun idea," I said. I grabbed her wrist and pulled her out of the office. She locked the door and said, "No more tattoos!"

I pulled her down the street and we ended up at Will's office.

She questioned my motive again as we came to Will's door. I shushed her and her eyes lit up with amusement. I opened the door and snapped a picture of Will at his desk. He looked up vivaciously when he saw it was us. "Hey girls."

It was kind of hot in his office. It felt dense and compressed.

Some say that if you take a picture of someone… you steal their soul and keep it locked up forever within that picture. Those who think practically believe that to be insane. How could you're soul be trapped in a picture? Well, how can a soul be trapped in your body? Are there even souls?

I believe that souls are real, and they can go wherever they please… if a soul wants to be trapped inside of a photograph it can be… but it won't be trapped… it will just dwell there because wherever it is in the picture… it wants to stay there forever and ever.

Jack walks in several minutes later and I take a picture of all of us cramped together.

That is where my soul will stay…

I want to stay forever with my friends… with Will, with Jackie and with my Gracie. Tomorrow I will be dead, but as long as this picture exists that is where I will be; reliving that moment over and over when I am close to the ones I love… the only ones I have.

After all, in the end, it doesn't matter how you died, it only matters how you lived. Suicide is the last resort… it is the thing you do when you have nothing else, and that is why I MUST do it, for there is no other way.

I had been depressed for so long, but now I am happy for I have found the solution to all of my problems and no one can stop me now.

I had slowly begun to become aware of how my grip on reality had been increasingly slipping. It was like a freight train that had flown off the track and all that is left is a fire. I could almost feel its embers… burning away at me as if they were my last shreds of hope left in this world. It was like when it stopped burning, it would be over…

It wasn't a painful type of burning… it was almost intoxicating…

I looked down at my wrist…the bubble had turned into a reddish scar type thing…it didn't hurt anymore… it was over.

I patted the back of my head… my hair was soft. I fixed Grace's collar that had flipped up in the back and I motioned to Jack to wipe the butter off of his lip and smiled to assure him he got it. I loved these people… they were like my family only better because they never left me…and I knew they never would.

I was leaving them though and it was wrenching. I hoped it didn't hurt them too badly, and I hope that they realized that I HAD to do this, I HAD to because if I didn't, I'd be empty for the rest of my life.

There is a missing spot in my heart and I cannot fill it. No matter how hard I try I cannot fill the emptiness…money did nothing, the pills and alcohol filled it temporarily but they wore off like the rest…the only thing keeping my alive at this moment is Grace and her love because it filled the emptiness just enough to keep me from running out of whatever that was in me that kept me going.

I once told Jack that you can go a long way on empty, and I have gone a long way, but I am finally out of gas and my car is slowly coming to a stop…. a stop. I wish I knew how the world could be so cold. I wish I knew why I had to go on living a life that I hate…it can't be fair. I don't belong here, I'm not supposed to be in this world, in this life…

My body is so trapped here and I need to free it, no matter what I have to be uninhibited.

I shake the Polaroid picture of us and it shows up. We all look so happy. I will keep this picture forever… I deftly place it in my purse in a side compartment where it was sure to be safe. I cross that off of my list and Will tilts his head and smiles at me when he realizes what I am doing.

I am thankful he doesn't say anything to my friends. I don't think he realizes what I am capable of…how serious I am about this.

Not that he could save me if he tried…but…

I see Will slip Jack a fifty and whisper something in his ear. A few moments later he offers to buy me lunch…I know it wasn't my doing, nor was it his, but I accept the offer and discretely cross it off of my list.

Jack and I walk into a familiar restaurant and take our seats. I hated eating in front of people. I was always unsure of what to order, and how to eat it when it arrived on my plate. I thought it was safe to order soup so I did so. Everyone got soup right? That wouldn't be weird to order?

Jack ordered something extremely extravagant as usual… he must have forgotten that he would be paying. Maybe he thought that I would whip out the credit card at the last minute and save him… I wasn't going to.

What a cheapo Jack was, I almost laughed to myself. He was a funny fellow. He was much taller than me and had the prettiest eyes I'd ever seen on a big mo. His eyes were deep and playful…whereas Will's eyes were sharp yet addicting. I won't even begin to describe Grace's eyes because I will never stop. I could talk about Grace's eyes forever, but you see, I don't have time for that because of my aforementioned problem.

Everything was so much more valid and important now that it was my last time seeing it. A clock ticking on the wall was bliss. I watched it's arms tick away, so steady, so reliable. The arm stuck for a moment but once again began to tick away.

Was the clock like me? Did I stick but keep going? No, I was a broken clock. My arms had been broken off and whenever someone looked at me, I could no longer show them the time.

Even a clock; a shoddy clock on a cracked wall, was important to me now. I wished that it had always been this way. I wished I had always been so very sharp and entranced with such a miniscule detail.

I look over and saw a little girl with her mother. Her mother was on her cell phone ignoring the little girl as she tried to show her a picture she had drawn. I wanted to tell the mother to pay attention; life was too short to ignore the things that are really important. Life is too short to ignore anything… even if it's just a clock…ticking on the wall.

"Jack," I said serenely, "Will you miss me when I'm dead?" Jack sipped his soda and smiled remorsefully, "of course I would Kare, but you're going to live forever…we're both going to live forever," he said while holding my hands.

"That's a nice thought Jackie," I say as I look off to the clock. That was a nice thought.

"_**I listen to the wind, to the wind of my soul…will I end up where I think? Only God really knows…" Cat Stevens**_

I got up to the manse door to find a scrappy red-headed girl sitting on my step. "Grace?" I ask intently. She had appeared to of dozed off and she leapt up at the sound of my voice. "Oh, hey Kare, I just stopped by to…to see what's goin on," she said casually.

Me and Jack had been out for hours… well passed lunch. I took the kid shopping, bought him some new shoes and a few new outfits. It was already dark outside and I had completely forgotten that it was Thursday… well not so much as today was Thursday but that tomorrow was Friday.

"What are you doing here?" I asked. She smiled but wiped it off and said, "I'm worried about you Karen," she said bluntly. At first I thought Will had told her about everything, about my list about my sadness and crying, about everything, but I continued to look at Grace and her look told me she was clueless, clueless means helpless.

"Why honey? I'm alright, everything is okay," I lied. I hated lying to Gracie, she was too beautiful a thing to lie to. I hoped God would forgive me.

"Karen don't lie to me. I know it is hard for you to talk about, well emotions and stuff but listen to me I love you and I care abut you… and if something is bothering you I want you to know that I'm here for you to talk about whatever it is, big or small."

God they certainly weren't making this easy for me. Leaving them would be so much harder than I had originally intended it to be. I figured I would do it quick…effortlessly, and most of all… alone. But I no longer felt alone… I felt that whatever I did, they were there watching me. If they weren't there physically I felt as though they were still watching over me. Always watching.

No matter what they say though, they cannot change my fate. Fate is fate and death is final and that is what has to happen.

I take Grace upstairs and offer her a drink.

She accepts it and drinks it slowly. My, are her lips irresistible.

About two hours, and seven glasses of wine later, Grace was flopped on my bed talking glibly. "Karen, you'rea butiful la'ey," she slurred. I smiled at her cunningly and flopped onto the bed next to her and clasped her hand.

"Shh," she told me, "listen." "Listen to what?" I asked. Her eyes were closed. I looked at her closely. 'What?" I repeated, "the wind," she said. She held up one finger to her lips. This was like the little things I was talking about…Gracie saw them…she was special.

When no one else saw the little things as important, Grace did. Maybe that's why she was sp loveable. Maybe it was just the alcohol talking. Either way… I wanted to cross off number one.

"Grace you're beautiful," I tell her. I tell her, "I love you."

She looks over at me skeptically and I kiss her lips gently. She pulls back a little but I move with her and pretty soon I am on top of her.

She moans as I exhale lightly in her ear. I bring my hand to the trim of her skirt and raise it again, only underneath it. I pull her underwear off from underneath her skirt without protest and I toss them on the ground next to the bed. I sit up on top of her and pull her skirt down.

Her waist is now bare and I am completely drunk with the reality of what lies underneath me, (and maybe with alcohol as well.) I bite my lip as my eyes intake her perfect thighs…her legs… and everything else that is now exposed to me.

I shudder briefly with the passion that was flowing through my bloodstream. I pull her tank top over her arms.

She finally opens her droopy eyes and quickly wets her bubblegum lips. She puts her hands on my shoulders and I tilt my head uncomfortably to kiss one. "Karen, promise me you'll always love me," she said discretely; lovingly.

I nod to her and she removes my shirt. I pull away when she tries to unhook my bra because I am so ashamed of my body. I am so completely ashamed of it. Its perfection is so painful. I have spent so much time maintaining it's flawless appearance that I now realize it was most certainly not time well spent because I am going to destroy the only thing that I have ever thought about… myself.

The only thing that had mattered to me all of those miserable years is now worthless. If only I were more like Grace…who became entranced by the mere sound of the wind. 

Our stark bodies entangled with one another and our mouths met as much as they were able. My mouth trailed down her abdomen and then passed hr belly button. The girl's fingers at first ran through my hair gently, but as my tongue rotated, she gripped it tightly and whimpered.

I will not go any farther into details about how I made love to Grace because frankly… it is none of your god damned business; I will only say this…I crossed it off my list with a smile on my face.

I came back and laid next to a sleeping Grace. I put my arm around her naked body and listened to her breathing. I shut my eyes and listened to the wind flow through my room. The wind was beautiful… it was everything that it was and more.

Tomorrow was Friday. As I shut my eyes and listened to the wind and Grace breathing I assured myself that I wasn't scared. I lived my life. I am happy and content and it is just my time…tomorrow is Friday….

If I close my eyes tight enough, I think I can see my funeral procession. It is beautiful out. The wind is blowing through Grace's hair. She has a single flower behind her ear that she throws into my grave. Will has his arm around Jackie, trying to be strong…he has to be the strong one now that I'm not there…

They're all around me, around my casket, around my grave…where I will sleep forever.

I sleep soundly, knowing that the next night I fall asleep… I won't have to wake up.


	8. Friday

⌠I always think the same thing when I read about someone committing suicide. I think, ⌠There but for the grace of God, go I.■ I think, ⌠There▓s only a twist of fate between me and them.■ I think, ⌠It could have been me.■ I think, ⌠I hope that I can give someone else a reason to live through today so he or she will give me a reason to live through tomorrow.■ Dahven White FRIDAY:  
Friday.  
It▓s Friday.  
I woke up feeling sick to my stomach. Grace was next to me┘ always next to me.  
The sun shined through my windows mercilessly through my silk curtains. The weight of Friday▓s reality stung my bones. Its oppression consumed me and my shoulders felt as though they might snap. The emptiness I felt. The complete loneliness that was inside of every breath I took.  
All of the busy socialite nights I spent. All of the endless hours with mindless chatter seemed so distant, so far away. Filled rooms seemed empty to me. All of the noise and bustle seemed silent.  
I remember those nights vaguely. Every day was a blur now. Everything seemed to blend together into one endless day. Thursdays turned into Mondays, fall turned into spring, and my ashes will turn to ashes and dust to dust.  
I roll over and look at Grace. I hesitate to touch her for I did not want to wake her. Her breasts move cautiously with ever breath she takes and I abrade her neck in my fantasy. I hear her breathing and it is almost as peaceful as the wind, more peaceful even.  
I can▓t imagine life without her. I can hardly imagine life at all anymore. Life seems less valuable than it used to be. Every year was distant now, so distant. Absentminded and clouded was every pathetic memory of mine. I turned back over and looked at the clock, it said 6:34.  
Should I get up? I kissed Grace▓s neck and she stirred. I kissed it again and she rolled over and her eyes opened meekly.  
I kissed her nose and she scrunched her face, ⌠I love you,■ I told her. She rolled her eyes and flipped over. I put my arm around her and shut my eyes. I wanted that moment to be every moment. Everyday I wanted to wake up next to Grace. But no, there were no more days.  
People always say, ⌠live like it▓s your last day on Earth┘■ No.  
Live each day like it▓s your first┘ young and naОve, with no knowledge of the world▓s complete evil and torment. If you know not of how cruel the world can be, then you will be sweetly ignorant and invincible.  
⌠Grace,■ I whispered into her ear. ⌠Mmm?■ ⌠What do you want for breakfast?■ I kissed her neck again and she tilted her head. ⌠Bacon, and pancakes, and a bagel,■ she mumbled. I smiled and kissed her cheek and got up.  
I put my slippers on and my robe and left the room. I swayed back and forth in the hallway. Trying to take in every little detail of the corridor. The scent of fresh linen with a hint of cigar smoke from Stan when he was still around; the bright carpet and light curtains that were so carefully placed; and the walls the walls that saw everything.  
I entered the laundry room where Rosario was busy folding clothes. ⌠Hey Rosie, can you get chef to make us some breakfast?■ I said as I hopped on top of the dryer. She wouldn▓t look at me, but she said, ⌠Lady I found your journal this morning.■ The words were sharp and nauseating. ⌠What? What do you mean you found my journal? You read it?■ I snapped. How dare she? Who did she think she was? Rummaging through my stuff as if she were my mother.  
⌠Yes and thank god I did! Miss Karen are you planning to kill yourself?■ she sang.  
My eyes met hers in a fiery twist. What could I say to this woman┘? What would turn her away? ⌠No Rosario, I am not planning to kill myself,■ I bantered. My expression was one of complete faГade and my hands danced wildly from exhaustion.  
⌠Then why would you write such terrible things?■ she asked. Terrible? Suicide is not terrible; it▓s beautiful. It▓s the safest thing in the world; the sheer protection and subtle securities it offers. ⌠It was just something a found and I wrote it down Rosie, don▓t worry, sheesh, Karen Walker? Commit suicide? Please! I▓m indestructible I▓m going to live forever!■ The words were inconceivable, even to my own ears and I slipped away but said quickly, ⌠Tell chef to make me and Grace breakfast,■ I was then gone.  
I towered through the manse incredulously beside myself. I belted into the far bathroom and went into the drawer to the left and pulled out then gun and I placed it to my head. Now was the time.  
I looked in the mirror and the gun looked good so close to me, that was where it belonged. My finger tightened around the trigger but I remembered my list┘.  
I forgot to cross one off┘ Say Goodbye.  
I never said goodbye to Gracie.  
I never said Goodbye to Will.  
I never said goodbye to my Jackie, or Rosie.  
I shakily set the gun on the counter and sobbed uncontrollably. I looked down at my wrist. No one had noticed my injury┘ not that I wanted them to notice┘ Why hadn▓t I pulled the trigger? There was unfinished business to attend to. Say goodbye? How silly. Why hadn▓t Will tried to stop me? Surely he knew I was lying. Surely he noticed how suicidal I am. And Rosie, how could she not have stopped me? She read my journal where I clearly stated my intentions.  
I took a deep breath in and put the gun back where it was to rest until tonight.  
I sauntered back into the room Grace occupied; she had fallen back asleep. I went out to the balcony and I carelessly swayed my arms over its edge. Oh how I wish my body would tumble down to the bottom and my blood would stain the bitter sidewalk.  
They dangled and I pretended I was already dead as I let my limp body slide to the ground. ⌠Karen?■ I jumped up. ⌠Oh hey Grace,■ I said. ⌠What are you doin?■ she had a sheet draped around her and I couldn▓t bring myself to answer because she looked amazing in the sunlight.  
⌠Ugh I have a hangover,■ Grace sulked. I laughed at her. I was always drunk so I never had hangovers┘ I barely even remembered what a hangover felt like. ⌠You want some pills or something sweetie?■ I said while soothingly rubbing her back. She moaned again and I smiled when I was sure she couldn▓t see me.  
⌠Karen, I▓m not taking anymore of your pills, last time I took one I woke up four days later with my clothes on backwards and,■ ⌠a sticker of Baltimore on your forehead?■ I finished. She smiled, but she thought I couldn▓t see. There was a long pause and I let my memories take over.  
I remembered the day Will danced with me in the rain. I wished I was dancing in the middle of the street. I look at Grace; our bodies should be twisted in the rain. Her eyelashes wet, her face glistening. I brush the hair away from my face and let her kiss me. The song seemed to stop but it never really does. The music will always be playing; it▓s just quieter now. The beat is slow and steady; jazzy but excruciatingly sad; beautiful and endless┘just the way I have lived.  
Grace looks up at me and I begin to cry. She is confused at first, (probably because she had never seen me show any emotion, let alone a vulnerable one,) but then she stands up quickly and straightens out her skinny body. ⌠Kare what▓s the matter?■ she said pulling me to her chest in a hug. ⌠I just love you so much Grace,■ I say. I wish I could tell her why I was crying. Why I was REALLY crying. It WAS because I loved her, but that wasn▓t it┘ it was because I loved her SO much, and I had to leave her.  
I looked at the sky. It looked blank, like someone had taken an eraser and just erased the whole thing. It was pure white, and it appeared to be flat but endless.  
We walked back into my room and she let the sheet fall, I saw her tattoo. I hoped every time she looked at it she▓d remember me, and how much I loved her. I think I will love her even after I am gone, and I hope that she will love me too. Can love conquer death? Can it proceed throughout the afterlife? I don▓t think anyone can answer that, but we all can hope.  
Grace walked into the bathroom and I followed her. She looked in the mirror and rubbed her face exhaustingly. ⌠Oh Grace, I▓m gunna miss you kid,■ I said to myself. She heard me faintly but the water was running so she didn▓t say anything back.  
I walked back out onto the terrace where there was one last flower in bloom. All of the other flowers had wilted because the seasons were getting ready to change. I picked it and gently carried it to the bathroom where I stuck it behind Grace▓s ear┘maybe she▓d wear it to my funeral if it▓s red petals didn▓t fall off. It almost blended in her blazing hair but it accentuated it remarkably. She blushed and her cheeks matched.  
There was a pool on the top of my roof and I went up there a lot to clear my mind, since hardly anyone went up there to swim anymore. The pool water was clean┘blue┘but it was covered with bright red leaves. The leaves set the whole thing completely on fire. It looked as if it were blood.  
I slipped my heels off of my feet and gaped down at the water. Everything was spinning. Everything was fogged now. Nothing seemed real. Maybe I had died years ago and I was just my ghost, wandering the earth. Had I talked to Grace just ten minutes previous? Had I kissed her goodbye? I wasn▓t sure┘. maybe it was all just a terrible nightmare, my whole life I had just been sleeping.  
Maybe everyone▓s life is a dream and death is just waking up. Thoughts┘. these thoughts consumed me as I gazed into the garnet water. I slipped my skirt down my porcelain legs and I removed my top with the utmost care and I dove into what appeared to be the surface of Mars┘or the Sahara desert. I opened my eyes under the water and I looked above me to see a red carpet with several gaps that let the sunlight shine through. The water felt a little cold but it made me vigilant, something I hadn▓t been my entire life.  
There was always a thought coursing through my dusty mind, but now it was just empty. All I could think of was the water. The red leaves on top of the blue water. Red and blue. Blue and Red. It was all I could see and it was the only thing in my mind.  
My lungs began to collapse and I emerged through the sheet with a gasp. The leaves embraced my shoulders and I pulled myself out of the edge. I shivered for the air outside the water was a much cooler temperature. I looked up at the sky and it looks cloudy┘like it was going to rain.  
I retrieved my pile of clothes and hurried back inside. As I dressed I heard someone come into my room. I was in my closet, and I let whoever it was to come to me. ⌠Hey Kare Bear,■ said Jack. I let his mundane voice sink in deep before I replied, ⌠Hey poodle,■ ⌠Who▓s your daddy?■ I sighed and said, ⌠you are.■ He caressed my wardrobe frivolously and then plopped on my chair. ⌠Why ya all wet?■ he asks. ⌠Ya gotta leaf in your hair,■ he said while pulling it out. I smile to myself but turn to him and say, ⌠I went swimming and there were leaves in the pool,■ he looks at me funny, ⌠you can swim?■ he asks. I don▓t reply I just put my shirt on over my bra.  
My mouth is dry and I feel like my body is in sinking sand. Jack talks about some guy he met behind the counter at some yogurt stand. I pretend to care. Why does he babble? Doesn▓t he know it▓s the end of the world?  
⌠Jack,■ I start, ⌠shut up.■ He looked confused for a moment and he cocked his head, ⌠What?■ he responded finally. I looked him dead in the eye and repeated, ⌠just shut up.■ He shook his head and looked around as if there was someone else named Jack in the room ranting and raving like a diseased parrot. ⌠Karen,■ he said heart-brokenly, ⌠Jack, I don▓t care about the guy you made out with from the yogurt stand, I don▓t care. Don▓t you ever think about things that actually matter?■ His eyes were wide and then he said, ⌠it matters to me Kare┘ just like drinks matter to you.■ My how the tables have turned┘ ⌠Yeah but I don▓t go on and on about that,■ ⌠yeah but I constantly see you taking them┘ingesting anything and everything that will get you the slightest buzz. You▓re pathetic Karen, really.■ ⌠I▓m pathetic?■ I snapped back. ⌠At least I don▓t sleep with everything that moves and act like I▓m seventeen years old. You expect us all to support you and your nonexistent acting career but no one cares about it,■ ⌠No one cares about it? Well at least they care about me. No one cares about you Karen, you▓re just a high waste of space.■ With that he stormed out.  
That was really not how I wanted that to go.  
Our quarrel made the gun look even more appealing to me. I paced back and forth in my room┘. carelessly wasting time. I glanced at the clock and it said, 11:00 am. I bit the inside of my cheek and pivoted on one heel and changed direction.  
I paused, and then reached over and picked up the phone.  
I dialed and it rang. Ring. Pause. Ring. Pause. Ring, ⌠Hello?■ ⌠Jackie I▓m sorry, I didn▓t mean to say those things,■ I burst. ⌠Um, this isn▓t Jack, it▓s his boyfriend Paul, Jack▓s in the shower can I take a message?■ I sighed, ⌠Ugh yeah tell him Karen called,■ I said. I was about to hang up when I heard, ⌠hang up,■ whispered on the other line. It was Jack▓s voice┘ he obviously wasn▓t in the shower. ⌠Hey wait one second,■ I said quickly, ⌠yeah?■ replied the man. ⌠can you tell Jack one more thing for me?■ he didn▓t respond and I swallowed hard, ⌠Just tell him that I really love him, and to please not be mad because I didn▓t mean a word I said and to please call me ┘anyways┘ bye.■ I hung up quickly and left the room in a hurry.  
I walked down the street rubbing my arms because it had suddenly gotten cold out. It was obvious summer was almost over. The leaves were changing, the wind was blowing and I was crying.  
That▓s a good thing about New York┘ you can walk by someone sobbing and not even get a second glance┘ or maybe that▓s a bad thing┘ The street was dressed in ashes and the skyline appeared to be dancing. I turned the corner sharply and got into an empty taxi as it began to drizzle. ⌠Where to?■ said the man in a rough accent. I directed him to Riverside Drive.  
I got out and paid him in a hurry since the rain was now pouring down in buckets. I ran inside and went up the elevator. ⌠Will?■ I said while pounding on the door. ⌠Will, open up its Karen.■ He opened the door seconds later with a smile. I coughed. ⌠Are you sick?■ he asked while guiding me inside. ⌠What▓s up?■ he said before I could answer the first question. ⌠Um, I don▓t know,■ I said while looking up at him from the couch. He sat on the couch▓s arm next to me. ⌠You don▓t know? Karen are you okay? You▓re kinda scaring me lately.■ I smiled and touched his hand, ⌠No honey don▓t be silly I▓m fine,■ I said at a faint murmur.  
If only every day were Friday. If only I could wake up every morning and die. All of the stuff I could accomplish that would just be meaningless by nightfall. I inhaled briskly and shut my eyes and I lied down on the coach. Will stood up and came around back and he covered me with a blanket.  
I woke up and the clock said 4:00. ⌠Shit,■ I said to myself as I got up quickly. I saw a note taped to the fridge so I got up and peeled it off.  
Dear Karen, Hey I went shopping with Jack and I didn▓t want to wake you┘ stay as long as you want and make yourself at home, I should be back in a few hours┘ Love Will I smiled to myself; I smiled to the world. Death seemed frivolous now and the thought teased me. I danced with the speculation more than ever at that moment and I wished I had the gun with me just then because I wouldn▓t hesitate to pull the trigger.  
Although I would not like to splatter Will▓s apartment decor with blood┘ My death was no longer a dream, but a fantasy. My head consistently ⌠fantasized■ about its own demise. Will I be considered a failure? A hero? A no one? A recluse? Or will I just be forgotten? Will people go about their days as if nothing happened? As if I never existed in the first place?  
People think I am shallow┘but that is just because I am deeper than comprehension. My thoughts run unfathomably. I grab a pen from the counter and flip Will▓s note over and write,  
Dear Will, I wish you would have woken me up; I really did not want to fall asleep on your couch! You▓re a sweetheart and thanks for everything, Love ya lots,  
Karen Walker Ps. I took a Crunch Bar from your cabinet and I stole your umbrella hope ya don▓t mind I took a bite out of the chocolate as I walked from the lobby. I opened the umbrella and walked onto the street. I ended up in a familiar cafИ. The one where the four of us dined occasionally. It smelled like home.  
I took my coat off and I turned around to see Jack sitting at a table alone. I cautiously approached him and as I did so, he turned to me but turned back snobbishly. ⌠Jackie?■ I said. I sat down. ⌠um, that seat is taken,■ he said. I didn▓t move. ⌠Jack listen to me, please don▓t stay mad please, I know you▓ll regret it,■ I said. ⌠Regret it why? You▓re the one who should regret it, you were the one being mean.■ I was in shock! Here I was, trying to apologize to the kid and he was trying to pick another fight with me.  
⌠Jack I wasn▓t the only one who said harsh things here! Please accept my apology with the spirit which it was intended or I▓ll kick ya in the getles!■ ⌠No!■ he said.  
Will came out of the bathroom with toilet paper on his foot and we both burst out laughing. ⌠That▓s not funny,■ said Jack, ⌠I know! He could trip and break his neck!■ We once again burst out laughing and he leaned across the table and hugged me.  
⌠Oh I▓m sorry Kare, let▓s never fight again!■ Will came over skeptically and sat down and said, ⌠Hey Karen, didn▓t expect to see you here,■ I faked another laugh with Jack but then smiled for real. God these fluctuating moods were brutal.  
Will tilted his head and I didn▓t understand why. What was he thinking about? What was he looking at? He was looking at me, obviously┘but why? What did he see when he looked at me, what did anyone see? I batted my eyelashes downward and took a bite of Jack▓s doughnut.  
⌠You want some coffee Karen?■ said Will. I looked at the clock┘5:30. My, the day was going fast. I wasn▓t sure if I wanted to see Grace again before I died. Not that I didn▓t love her with all of my heart, but I loved my last memory with her. Waking up with her next to me was good enough, I thought. Plus, I loved sitting there with my boys sipping coffee.  
Then I realized┘ no, I had to see Grace one last time. I had to touch her, talk to her, kiss her, one last time. I hugged Jack and I kissed Will gently and left my hand on his cheek and whispered, ⌠thanks for everything Will,■ into his ear. He looked a little confounded but he smiled crookedly and rubbed my back and I grabbed my purse, umbrella (Will▓s umbrella) and walked out.  
It was still raining hard.  
I walked several blocks down and entered Grace▓s office through the service elevator. She was sleeping on her desk. ⌠Boo!■ I shouted she jumped up and I laughed. ⌠So, this is what you do while I▓m gone?■ I teased. She smiled and rubbed her eyes. Before she could say anything she stood up and kissed me gently and walked over to the coffee machine and poured herself a glass.  
I then felt guilty about not inviting her to the cafИ with Jack and Will, but what▓s done is done┘ I learned feeling guilty about things you have no say in is a complete waste of time.  
Impulse.  
That▓s the way to live, honestly.  
⌠So, had a good day at work?■ I ask. She shrugs and says, ⌠It woulda been better if you were here,■ she bumped me playfully. Grace was always so playful, so vibrant, (even when she was half-asleep)  
⌠I▓m sorry honey, I just didn▓t make it in today for some reason, the day just┘just flew by,■ I said somberly. I ran my fingers across one of her sketches. I looked up at her who was smiling coyly at me. ⌠Sweetie,■ I said, ⌠I love you,■ I told her. She rolled her eyes at me and I got up and kissed her neck, ⌠I do, I love you,■ I repeated.  
I kissed her neck again.  
Her hair smelled like honey.  
I looked at the clock as I was buttoning my blouse, and it said 7:00. I had to get going.  
The day was almost over and the sun was setting.  
It was time.  
⌠Goodbye Grace,■ I said while kissing her lips. ⌠Why are you leaving?■ she asked. I slipped my heels on and said, ⌠Just some stuff I have to do around the manse, ya know, but I▓ll-⌠ I stopped abruptly. I could not say, ⌠Call you tomorrow,■ I couldn▓t say, ⌠See you in the morning,■ so I said.  
⌠I▓ll be seeing ya Gracie,■ She smiled vaguely and I left.  
I got two blocks away and the rain was coming down harder than ever so I jumped into a cab. I told him my address and then I realized I had forgotten my purse at Grace▓s office┘Oh well┘ I didn▓t need it anymore anyways; I didn▓t go back.  
That was stupid.  
I knew Grace and I knew how nosy she was. I should have known she would have gone through it.  
She opened it discretely and took out my perfume and smelled it. She opened up my side pocket and helped herself to a piece of gum. Then she saw the list.  
I got to my bathroom and pulled the gun out of the drawer. I walked through the halls meticulously carrying it until I made it to my room. The thunder rumbled and I stoked the barrel.  
Grace read the list carefully and she read the back which said, ⌠Friday night┘pull the trigger,■ she covered her mouth and ran outside. She had Will▓s car that day so she started it up and floored it out of her parking space.  
She called dozens of times but I had set the phone off the receiver so she was sure to get a busy signal.  
She rounded the corner sharply and the tires screeched. With every block she went, her driving became more and more reckless. Plus, she had a phone constantly dialing my number so her steering was impaired. The rain came down hard and her tires slipped.  
I pulled out a pre-written suicide note out of my bureau.  
Hey kids, I▓m sorry I have to put you through this but this is the way it has to be. I▓m the happiest woman in the world and the luckiest to have you guys but I▓m also the saddest. I▓m empty inside and I can▓t help but end it all. When you▓re empty, you have to fill it and I couldn▓t do that.  
To Rosie, you▓ve been by me through everything, you▓re my girl and I love you. To Jack, my poodle, I love you with all my heart and I want you to know you can still always turn to me when you▓re in a jam┘I▓ll listen. Will, thanks for everything┘I love you. Thanks for dancing with me in the rain and for being there for me when the world was against me. Grace┘to my Grace. To you I give everything, I give you my money, my jewels, and my heart. I give you everything. If you are the kind person I knew, you will share some with our boys and take care of them for me, and sweetie┘ I▓ll be seeing you. With that it▓s over, I▓ll pull the trigger to set my spirit free of this body...finally I am free. I lay down on my bed and ran my fingers through my hair and I checked to make sure the one bullet was still inside. It was.  
One bullet.  
One was all I needed.  
I took the safety off and I pointed it to my head when I heard a load crash outside. My finger got tight around the trigger but I was too curious to look outside. I did.  
The car that had crashed into a bus seemed oddly familiar. I looked at it for a few moments and then I heard sirens. I squinted and saw red hair behind the steering wheel. I gasped and ran down stairs. I sprinted out to the sidewalk. The rain was calming and it was now at a faint drizzle.  
I opened the door and Grace flopped out lifelessly. ⌠Gracie, wake up,■ I instructed frantically. ⌠Karen?■ she asked. Her head was bleeding and she had cuts all over her hands and face from the glass. ⌠Yeah honey it▓s me it▓s me,■ I soothed. ⌠You▓re not dead,■ she stated. I could have sworn I saw her smile just then, but I was wrong. She coughed violently and blood splattered out of her. I knew that wasn▓t good but couldn▓t say anything to her then.  
⌠Of course I am,■ I said. I brushed hair away from her bloody face. ⌠Don▓t kill yourself Karen, please don▓t. Promise me you won▓t do it, promise me,■ she said weakly. Tears were streaming down my face and I said, ⌠I promise.■ I kissed her lips while they were still warm and moments later she was taken away on a stretcher┘pronounced dead.  
I stood still on the sidewalk.  
The blood spattered sidewalk.  
Glass stung my bare feet and I shook irretrievably. The last of the bystanders left the scene and they asked me to go back inside so they could finish cleaning up.  
I was in complete shock.  
Grace was gone┘ I was alive┘ not exactly a fair trade.  
I slowly went back to me room, the gun was lying on the bed.  
I couldn▓t use it though┘ Should I call Jack? Tell him that Grace was dead because of me?  
Call Will? Tell him that I▓m still alive because Grace made me promise not to kill myself?  
I scream for all of the world to hear and I pick up the gun and throw it against the wall┘but I left the safety off┘. The bullet came at me in slow motion. Almost like a dream. I spun towards my head and I gazed at it. I thought to move, but there was no time for that┘it went into my skull and blood plastered my room.  
Life as I knew it, was over.  
That was not how I had dreamed it would happen. My wildest fantasy could not predict my demise with such abomination. We were like Romeo and Juliet┘kind of┘ We were Karen and Grace.  
I stood up from my body┘my lifeless body┘ I looked around at the room, I looked at me┘but it wasn▓t me.  
It was no longer me. I saw Rosario run in and scream. She tried to attend to my wounds but it was too late, I was already gone. Then she saw the note and she read it painfully.  
No!  
It wasn▓t a suicide!  
It was an accident! I had promised Grace I wouldn▓t kill myself!! I didn▓t kill myself!  
I wanted her to know...but she wouldn▓t┘ she would never know the truth; no one would now. Besides me, but I am no longer me.  
Our funeral was together┘ Grace▓s and mine. Our boys were there, holding each other but still sobbing.  
I was buried next to her.  
I saw Grace▓s spirit standing next to Will, trying to touch him and I walked to her. She made a beautiful angel, but then again┘so did I.  
⌠When you don't want to feel... death can seem like a dream. But, seeing death - really seeing it... makes dreaming about it fucking ridiculous.■ Girl, Interrupted WELL THAT▓S THE STORY GUYS. I HAVE TO ADMIT, I AM EXTREMELY PROUD OF IT AND I REALLY HOPE THAT EVERYONE LIKES IT! THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO READ AND REVIEWED, IT MEANT A LOT A LOT A LOT TO ME AND I HOPE YOU ALL REVIEW THIS CHAPTER AND LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK OF THE ENDING. AND YEAH I KNOW IT IS SAD, BUT ITS NOT┘REALLY, IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT.  
XOXO EMILY XOXO 


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